She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I need to calm my uterus...
Randomize
