I just pynch a tree in the face
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
