you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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