My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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