I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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