I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
