Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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