Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
