fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
