Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
