I can't breathe out the right side of my face
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
