We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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