Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Every concussion has its silver lining
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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