Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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