i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize