hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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