Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize