Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
