i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
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