I'm so fucking centered right now
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
