How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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