OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
