also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
