Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize
