you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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