how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Fuck appropriateness.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Randomize
