Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
