Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
