No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Drunk is not a location!
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
