just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I want to fling myself into the sun
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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