This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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