Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
