I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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