any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
