Dude my mom stole all your condoms
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
