Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
