I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Randomize
