I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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