I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
