you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Randomize
