She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
