Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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