Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
