In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
