Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
