I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
