I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
