Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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