I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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