Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
