Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
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