Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
