She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
