Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
