Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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