I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I forget how to act sober
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
