Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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