Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
