Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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