The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
